Everything is Illuminated

I love the title of this book.

I just came back from Dhaka, Bangladesh last Thursday and took a day off on Friday to get my toe checked out at the hospital. I slipped off a sidewalk there and scraped my toe during a field visit to a government preschool, it was bleeding more than usual over there and the wound was turning black. Normally I probably wouldn't go to the hospital but being that it was Dhaka and the roads were so dusty and dirtier than Bangkok, I decided to get it cleaned properly just to be safe. So I got a tetanus shot and have to get two more later.

It's Loy Krathong today but I'm not in a festive mood at all. Not that I would normally be joyously celebrating it or anything. I've been feeling pretty blah lately. Blah meaning sometimes sad but I'm not really sure why either. It's weird not really knowing the reasons why I feel sad. Or maybe I do. Maybe one reason is because I'm worried about my mom. It makes me sad every time I think she's going to be alone. I don't like thinking of old people being alone. It really makes me depressed. I still haven't decided yet about whether I'm going. I remember watching Up and it made me so sad.

I also worry about Ginger and her health. I'll try my best to bring her to Singapore.

These days I feel lazy about going out to meet people too. I feel like just staying in. Maybe it's my PSP.

I really like the title, Everything is Illuminated. I don't really know yet the entire meaning behind the title because I haven't finished the book, but it gives me such a hopeful feeling, that everything CAN be happy and OK. Or that everything has a value and can be meaningful.

It's basically about an American guy going to the Ukraine to find this girl who saved his grandfather's life during Nazi occupation. I always wonder a bit about how it would be like to trace back my family's history, all the way back to my great-great-great-great-great grandparents. I never really thought of them much, but I think it would be nice to know who they were and what they did. Maybe it's sort of like paying respect to the dead, by remembering them still in my memory. Thinking of my grandmother who died last year still makes me sad. Thinking of my mom gone would be really painful. I do remember my great-grandmother and remember how she was such a sweet old lady. I also realize that my mother, my grandmother and my great-grandmother all kind of share this similar aura around them. I mean, they look similar, but it's not just that. I don't know how to describe it. I don't know how to explain how the air around them can feel so familiar to me.

I'm also thinking about taking my mom to Hong Kong for a weekend in December.

Sometimes I just don't know. Sometimes one feeling gets so overwhelming.

I watched this anime called Kimi ni Todoke (Reaching You) and I really like it because the girl has problems expressing herself and everybody around her misunderstands her. Sometimes I feel the same way.

Just finished two articles this week. God, I'm tired. There's so much to do still. My list of things to-do keeps getting longer and longer. I also need to buy a new notebook/planner for work since I ran out of pages today. Maybe I'll just use the notebook Nick got me last year for Valentine's.

Didn't eat lunch today because I didn't feel like going with my colleagues to Thammasat area. I'm trying to go on a diet too (but that's not really new, is it?)

I also witnessed a car burning on a bridge over the Chaophraya river this morning. I can't remember the bridge's name. It was crazy! The entire front half of the car was engulfed in flames and it took the firemen a few tries to stop it. It's also quite amazing that motorcycles, cars and pedestrians were still passing by the car and the area wasn't sealed off since there could've been an explosion if the fire reached the gas tank. Where's the rain when we needed you?

I'm still thinking about the Singapore deal and haven't really decided yet as I'm still trying to sweeten the package. I guess I'll send them my response on Monday.

I have a sudden urge to go to the fortune teller again. But I don't know why since they never tell me anything useful.

I also bought the book Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer finally after more than two years of looking at it in Kinokuniya. I found it from a second-hand book store on Rambutree Road opposite Khaosan.

I'm also really into Indian prints these days. So I'm really looking forward to attend another workshop in Bangladesh end-October so that I can buy some cute skirts and dresses there.

Now I have to write my trip report since I went to Indonesia last week. I love getting a new stamp in my passport.

Fixing

"Now the other thing is my wife, Regina. She has been horribly hurt by my behavior, and when something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it's your responsibility, you try to fix it." - David Letterman

Letterman apologized to his wife, Regina, after he announced last Thursday that he had sex with somebody on his show. The producer was threatening to go public with this information if Letterman didn't cough up $2 million.

What I wanted to draw attention to was not about whether he apologized or whether or not he admitted to having an affair. I think I just wanted to make a point that if you hurt a person, it is your responsibility to try to fix it.

Anyway, my view on life is this - what's broken, remains broken. But I think trying and not trying at all to fix it does make a huge difference.

going to a wedding reception tonight at the oriental hotel. i wanna curl my hair but i still don't know how to use a curling iron :( gah! can anybody help?

i'm also going to take some french lessons starting next month. it's so cheap! 3750 baht for 30 hours at Alliance Francaise. should be fun! let me know if you're interested too.

i went shopping with Nick yesterday for his shirts and trousers. i think he looks cute in proper work clothes. he's so lucky that he's tall and lean, it's so easy for him to look good in anything.

Sometimes I feel like I'm always the one waiting...

Ginger, My Dog

I still worry about her a lot. A LOT. I think there are times where I just routinely obsess about my dog's feelings and well-being and end up crying. Especially if I moved to Singapore, who's going to buy her yummy snacks, take her for walks, give her a bath, and play with her? I really think I'm a horrible owner for not taking better care of her and blaming it all on the fact that I live in an apartment which doesn't allow pets. I know my mom tries her best to take care of her, but I also know she doesn't have that emotional attachment to Ginger like me. For her, Ginger is just a dog.

Ginger is also gaining weight (like me). God it's so easy to put on weight!

Every time I take her for walks, she gets tired really easy and just sits down in the middle of the sidewalk and won't budge. She's also smart to pick and choose where she rests too, picking shady spots beside a bush or tree. I'll try to post up some pictures of Ginger.

Where My Paths Begin to Diverge

At the moment I'm seriously contemplating moving to Singapore. I have been offered an international post there and now in the process of negotiating the salary and package. I think the package itself is pretty good considering they're paying for accommodation + all these other benefits, so I think the negotiation is on the base salary more than anything else.

They want me to move as early as November, but I doubt that will happen as there's still so many things to finalize on my end from Bangkok. So maybe January 2010 will be when I actually move there.

I'm really being very strategic about this because although it's a UNICEF-funded network that I'll be working for, it is a step out from the UN system. However, if I can still work as a Consultant for UNICEF from abroad on this other communication project, then that would be a very sweet deal, and I probably wouldn't be thinking twice about it. Of course, it'd also be awesome to get two pay checks!

Anyway, I went to interview at Reuters just the other day, but I'm not sure whether I'm really interested in it any more as I think it's a bit too corporate for my taste. Plus, the role involves strengthening their internal communications. In other words, probably communicating with 1500 or so staff in Thai, so I don't think that's going to work. I also think it goes to say how I've pretty much decided that I want to do communications for development or non-profit purposes than talking about financial applications, software development, cars, luxury products, etc.

I don't think Nick likes the idea of me going to Singapore.

i hate september. august sucked too.

I told myself since I came back from France that I'm going to find some time to really sit down and write about stuff. I guess in a way I wanted to do this and reflect on things just because. Not that I think it's so important, or maybe it was, or is, but I think that at the very least, maybe if I begin to reflect a bit, I'd provide myself with some clarity.

It's getting really hard for me to actually write down my real thoughts here. One obvious reason being that this blog really isn't that private any more. The second reason being that my thoughts to write about something seemingly disappear when I reach home. I have plenty of ideas driving around town. I somehow wish there was a machine that records your thoughts verbatim and transmits them to the blog. Then maybe you'll see more frequent updates and less general topics about my obsessions (food and gym). I find that the only time where I can really sit down and put words together is at work. But I hardly want to spend time at work blogging now since there's tons to do or because I feel bad doing non-work related stuff.

Still, I think it's important that I sit down and write for my own sake. Maybe I'll find some time soon.

The Exception to the Rule

On the plane from Abu Dhabi to Bangkok I watched the movie, He's Just Not That Into You. I heard that it was a pretty crappy movie but there was nothing else to do so I was like, OKAY, why not.

But you know what. I actually liked it. I thought it was really sweet and funny. There were so many nice quotes in there too. For example:

"if a guy treats you like he doesn’t give a s--- it’s because he doesn’t give a s---.”

"Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking."

"If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will."

"girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope."

I want to write more on this but I'm off to the gym now. So maybe later.