Burying Myself with This Letter

I spent the whole day at work writing a letter about how I felt. I typed out what I wanted to say, and then I wrote it out on a piece of notebook paper. Here is the first part of what I wrote:

“I feel that writing this would maybe make you understand why I’m doing this better than saying it to you. It’s so difficult for me to explain myself.

We’ve had this discussion countless times before, and in the end I would always be too scared to follow through with it. I would feel better and secure because I still have you to support and listen to me. But I would feel as though I didn’t solve anything about myself.

I don’t want to ignore my fear of abandonment. When these feelings become too much, I want to hurt myself. I would feel as though I don’t deserve to be loved because there is something wrong with me.”

Sometimes I wonder if there is truly something wrong with me, if I actually think that there is something wrong. I’ve always heard that if you say that you’re crazy, then in actual truth, it doesn’t make you crazy because your brain is still logically trying to make sense of your being.

There’s more to the content of the letter than I’m actually writing here. But I can’t post it here, just because it’s so personal, and even though this is my blog.

I gave the letter to Toey.

And I felt as though I made a huge mistake.

I cried so much.

I really wanted to be better. And I was so scared. I felt that if I didn’t become better, I would lose him someday.