Lost

I just finished watching the latest season of Lost, and I think, this is the ONLY TV series where I enjoyed every single minute of it. I think that's pretty amazing. One thing I never really got used to seeing was Sawyer and Juliette together. For some reason, I still don't really give a damn about this Juliette character. There's something about her face that makes her look so cold and insincere (even though she's not!) I also like the name Sawyer. I'm even thinking of naming my kids Sawyer and Finn. Wouldn't that be nice? Lost is just so crazy. I love the show!

There were actually two quotes that really stuck to me from this whole season.

The first one was a conversation Sawyer was having with Horace, who just found out that his wife of three years still kept her ex-husband's wooden cross necklace in her drawer.

Horace: He's only been gone three years. Is that really enough to get over someone?

Sawyer: I had a thing for a girl once. And I had a shot at her. But I didn't take it. For a little while I'd lay in bed every night wondering, it was a mistake. Wondering, I'd never stop thinking about her... But now, I can barely remember what she looks like. Lets just face it. She's just gone. And she ain't never coming back. So if it's three years I'd have to take to get over someone... then absolutely.

The second quote that I liked was a flashback Juliette was having in the last episode of her parents telling her they're having a divorce. Her parents said, "We still love each other. But sometimes when two people love each other, it doesn't necessarily mean they have to be together." One of those BS things parents tell kids so they won't feel bad. But when I think about it, I guess it's true right? There's so many reasons why two people who love each other can't be together. But then again, a part of me also believes that if two people love each other, there's no way in hell why they shouldn't be together. If they aren't together, then it's because they don't truly want it. I guess there's many degrees of love. I hate it when people say, "Yeah, we're not together, but I still love him/her." Seriously, just be honest.

Loving a Little Less

Something I read in the book, The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy, that I thought was pretty true.

"D'you know what happens when you hurt people?" Ammu said. "When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less."

More often than before, I really take what people say literally. I don't think it's always good. But I always (usually) place a lot of importance in words and what comes out of people's mouths. You live by what you say. It's very sacred, I think.

I'm having difficulty sleeping. Which is pretty rare considering how I usually fall asleep by 8.30, 9.00 or 10.00 most of the time. I haven't been up this late in a while, except for weekends. My throat has also been hurting because I caught my niece's cold. To tell you the truth, I actually like this feeling of being sick a bit, since I hardly get sick ever, except for my usual stomach aches. It's going to be a pain getting up in the morning for work. I just know it already. But I'm also feeling slightly unmotivated to go to work.

You know, I was just reading the Alchemist, by Paul Coelho, and in that book he was talking about changes. This was the part where Santiago went to Africa, got his money stolen, started working in the crystal store and the business was expanding really fast. And the store owner was scared, you know, of this change, because he was so used to the same old thing, the routine, the comforts of running a small store although he was so sick, tired and depressed of it because it was getting him no where.

"I don't want to change anything, because I don't know how to deal with change. I'm used to the way I am." He said . "Today, I understand something I didn't see before: every blessing ignored becomes a curse. I don't want anything else in life. But you are forcing me to look at wealth and at horizons I have never known. Now that I have seen them, and now that I see how immense my possibilities are, I'm going to feel worse than I did before you arrived. Because I know the things I should be able to accomplish, and I don't want to do so."

I really like the word possibilities. That was actually one of the reasons why I used that word in an early childhood photo contest at work, because there's so much possibilities for children to become anything in the future. And we are the same. No matter how old we get. No matter how long we've stuck to one job we hate. No matter how long you've been in a relationship that's dying. Once the change happens, the possibilities exist. And it's truly exciting. And liberating. And before you know it, everything that you're doing becomes a will to make that impossibility a possibility.

September 11, 2008. I created a vision. It actually sounded cheesy now that I think about it. To create a world where I can fall madly in love with. And to make everybody that is a part of my world, fall in love with it too. I admit honestly, that along the way, I think I did lose sight of this vision some times. There were times I fell back to depression, times where I became snappy and irritated, times where I felt so alone I started to cry, times where I just stared blankly because I don't know how to express myself. But you know, these feelings comes and goes. I still try though, whenever I revert back to my self, to move forward with my vision. The best thing I found was to really stick to doing a small number of things you really enjoy, and becoming good at it. It's really something ordinary. Like exercising to be healthy, stronger, confident and beautiful. Or reading to be in touch with other people's feelings. And blogging to at least keep one part of my dream alive. You know, that one, to write.

March 1, 2009. I turned 27. And a lot of feelings died that day. For example, I knew that I was no longer a hopeless romantic. I tried telling myself that I still was. After all, I've always called myself a hopeless romantic since I was a kid. That was probably the biggest death to the "me" that everybody knew, more than anything else. But I think we have different definitions to what a hopeless romantic is. I guess for me it means a person who believes faithfully in the concept of love. And that's the other feeling that died, or more like the ability to believe in anything. Words and love are probably my two biggest loves of my life. And that day alone, I stopped believing in the sanctity of words and love. For me, love became an earthbound reality. It was no longer an ideal. It lost its magic. And I moved on.

And today is April 2, 2009. Just another day that I have to go to work, go to the gym, eat at my parents, play with Ginger briefly, read a book, write, hang out with Nick and then go to sleep. It's really a simple thought and procedure, to do all the things that I want to do, that makes me look forward to the next day. And I've really come to look forward to the next day because it is filled with so much possibilities. You can do whatever you want with the minutes and the seconds. It's so exciting. How will the day unfold? Now that you have slept and awoken? You will never look at each morning the same way again when you realize the day's true potential.

How to Move On

It looks like I’ll be going to Malaysia on April 13-15 for work. I think I’ll take a few extra days beforehand or after the seminar to look around since I didn’t get to explore KL at all the last time I was there.

I’m really looking forward to all these trips abroad. I’m also planning on taking my mom to Hong Kong. She’s been nagging me about this since last year. I was thinking of going to Japan (Osaka, Kyoto) but since it’s a weekend trip I think somewhere close by would be better. Plus, I have to see first whether I can stand her for a short period of time before I start thinking about spending a week with her in Japan.

I was reading this book called Why We Love by Helen Fisher last night. She gave some pretty useful tips on how to move on from a breakup. So something to do and think about (This by no means reflect what I’ve done in the past few months. I’m just repeating what she said):

1. Throw away everything or put everything that reminds you of him/her in a box. I actually think this is a very important thing to do. Erase all traces of their existence. I guess there’s no point in keeping it lying around when you’re trying to reconstruct your life, is there? Did I do this? No.

2. Meditation. I haven’t tried this yet either. But my friend at work is going so I might tag along. I don’t even like Yoga and I’m sure it follows the same principles. Anyway, I’ll check it out. I think this would be beneficial for me in more than one way.

3. Keep busy. Yes! Take drawing classes, learn how to play the guitar, go out with friends, write a short story, join a club, go volunteer at an orphanage, go shopping, travel, go to the gym. Staying active keeps your mind off things and raises the level of dopamine (the chemical that makes you happy). Doing things that makes you feel rewarded or accomplished will make you happy. It was mentioned that exercising is the best way to raise the levels of dopamine. I’ve been going to the gym everyday (well at least 6 days a week) but I think this has become a habit more than anything else now. Plus, I’ve become such a health junkie (it’s driving Nick insane. I think the next time I look at the calorie count of a drink or food he’s going to smack me).

4. Avoid places you used to hang out. Go to new restaurants, stay clear of the usual neighborhoods, or join a new gym. I was a complete failure at this.

5. Be angry. She did say that focusing on his or her negative points will help. It doesn’t matter if you guys broke up on good terms or whether he was honorable or not. It just doesn’t matter. Did I do this? No.

There were a few more points that she said but I can’t remember them.

Contempt

The number 1 reason why couples don't last.

What Does Moving On Mean To You?

Is it different from Moving Forward?

Choices

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.

I've always tried my best to follow that.

And I've made mine today.

Relationships

I'm at work. It's 8 AM. I should be doing work. But I wanted to say this. I was talking to Malisa last night. I know I'm not taking any more medication, because it makes me really sleepy during the day time, and sometimes I can't even work properly because I just want to sleep. So I decided to stop taking it, and because I wanted to deal with my feelings instead of hiding from it by taking pills. I know it's making my hands shake. Which is kind of freaking me out. But I know it'll go away with time.

So I talked to her. And because I'm not taking those medication any more. I'm starting to think about him again. Not in the sense where I miss him, and want to be back together with him. Or that I still love him, or I don't. But thinking about how we both just moved on, or forward. I haven't talked to him since that day we met on September 11. It's October now, and I feel fine, but still feel slightly sad sometimes. But sad not because we broke up. Sad because he was like my bestfriend. Who I can't talk to any more. It's always like that with relationships, and when people break up. You end up not losing a boyfriend, but also a bestfriend.

Malisa tells me that she's sure we'll talk again with time. But it's not as though I'm dying for it to happen. I don't have that urge to talk to him or anything. It just shows how we're both moving in two totally different directions. But I'm fine with that now.

I just want my hands to stop shaking though!

Day 8

I feel like I'm still trying to just survive each day, by day. The mornings are always the hardest for me. I wake up feeling as though my heart's so swollen it's about to burst from grief. The weekend went by painfully and it's already been a week since this happened. I can't remember if I said I went to the hospital on Friday because I had a fever, but I've lost 3 kgs in a week. Usually I'd probably be so happy that I'm losing weight but I can't even think of smiling right now. I'm also on some medication just to help me cope and function properly for work. Usually after noon passes I start feeling slightly better. I don't know if it's the medication's kicking in or is it because of something else.

I also met Tim, Nakul, Pear and Mai on Saturday, but you know, all they can do is listen and be supportive. I met Liz and Bunna for dinner, and all they can do is listen and be supportive too.

I had to go to Malisa's apartment on Sunday because I was feeling so sad. I'm so glad she's there for me... and Ahn too who dropped by. I feel exhausted...

Day 5

Last night I met with Toey's mom. I don't really know why, except that I wanted to talk to her. Or maybe it was because she was kind of going through the same thing, except that in her case they're separated (Toey's mom and dad). I don't know if this is one of the reason about this break, but I know in a way that it's affected Toey in some way, whether he knows it or not. I know I'm just trying to find reasons, because ultimately when people have a change of heart, I know that there's always a reason. Because when I had my doubts about him, there were always reasons.

I felt really sick yesterday, and ended up puking 3 times. Once after I met his mom (she had to take me to the bathroom), another time after I ate dinner with my parents, and once more when I came home.

I went to the hospital today, didn't go to work because I had a fever and couldn't sleep. So I'm on medication now, which is kind of helping.

Going to see Ahn tonight. Finally, I haven't seen him since this happened.

Day 4

I still am not feeling better. Yesterday, I didn't have to go into work because of the PAD protests near my work office (UNICEF) so I stayed at my parent's house. I didn't write about my Day 2 evening so just to recap, I met up with Nut in the evening to talk. I know he's Toey's friend but we also worked together at my old job so I knew I could trust him. I don't know if anything he said, or what anybody has said to me, could ever make me feel better. Maybe it would work for a couple of hours, and my heart would feel calmer, but nothing anybody say would probably make things better unless Toey himself says it...

To make matters worst, my brother was in a car accident and the front of his car is totally wrecked. He's fine though. I just kept thinking, things are just getting worse and worse and worse in my life right now. I told my brother about what I'm going through right now and he listened. He told me to just move on, because when guys say they need a break to figure out their feelings, it probably means that he's thinking of going out with other girls and that there is probably someone or something going on that's really shaking his love for you. Feelings do not just change unless there's a reason. I know Toey, and I trust him. But I can't help but think that the age difference is a key factor as he's young and probably want to see his options and explore. It hurts just thinking about it.

Then I talked to Tae at night. He's probably the only one who's optimistic about it (including Nut), who said that if you really love him, you would wait for his answer. Because at least you've tried. And that trying part really makes a difference in the end. Of course, everybody else is telling me that it's already a breakup and that I need to make it clear to him so that I can put an end to my suffering.

So Day 3, I stayed at home. And I cried. Probably for at least 10 hours, out of the 24 hours in a day. I told my dad and my mom about what happened. And they both told me to forget about it, and that it's a good thing. My mom told me not to contact him, because if he really wants to be with you, he will talk to you. She said, why are you crying for him, when he doesn't even know. He could be out there enjoying himself so much right now, and being with another girl.

Day 3 was really hard. My dad gave me a sleeping pill so I can fall asleep at night. I woke up in the middle of the night a couple times because my stomach was hurting really badly. But I managed to sleep most of the time, which I'm really relieved that I did.

This morning it was hard getting out of bed, but I knew I had to go into work. I really need to get August over with, although I know that September wouldn't be much better, but at least I can think of it as a brand new month.

What Would You Pick?

Loving somebody who doesn't love you back

or

Losing somebody who used to love you

Honestly, What Will Become of Me?

In the end, our relationship became too much of hurting each other’s feelings.

It’s difficult to keep expectations at bay. It’s so complicated.

It was suddenly a game that tested how we felt for each other.

"Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby" - Nelly Furtado

The Picture of Death

Have you ever pictured somebody you love dying? Do you remember how it felt? It’s such a horrible, sinking feeling in your heart. For some reason, when I’m lying in bed at night, I would sometimes imagine or have these haunting dreams of my mom or Toey dying. And it breaks my heart in such a different way.

It only takes a matter of seconds before the tears wells up in my eyes and all you can hear in the middle of the night are my sobs penetrating the still darkness. I wonder why I do these things to myself.

I do know though, that I’m affected so much by their deaths only because they are the two people I love the most. My mom being the connection I have of what a family is, and Toey for bearing my endless pain and loving me.

The Earth and the Ocean

If he was a rock, the patient Earth that supports life, I am the ocean that surrounds him, sometimes a tempest, sometimes calm.

Burying Myself with This Letter

I spent the whole day at work writing a letter about how I felt. I typed out what I wanted to say, and then I wrote it out on a piece of notebook paper. Here is the first part of what I wrote:

“I feel that writing this would maybe make you understand why I’m doing this better than saying it to you. It’s so difficult for me to explain myself.

We’ve had this discussion countless times before, and in the end I would always be too scared to follow through with it. I would feel better and secure because I still have you to support and listen to me. But I would feel as though I didn’t solve anything about myself.

I don’t want to ignore my fear of abandonment. When these feelings become too much, I want to hurt myself. I would feel as though I don’t deserve to be loved because there is something wrong with me.”

Sometimes I wonder if there is truly something wrong with me, if I actually think that there is something wrong. I’ve always heard that if you say that you’re crazy, then in actual truth, it doesn’t make you crazy because your brain is still logically trying to make sense of your being.

There’s more to the content of the letter than I’m actually writing here. But I can’t post it here, just because it’s so personal, and even though this is my blog.

I gave the letter to Toey.

And I felt as though I made a huge mistake.

I cried so much.

I really wanted to be better. And I was so scared. I felt that if I didn’t become better, I would lose him someday.

The Likeness of Love and Ink Blots

When somebody says they love you? Do you believe it? For me, I’ve always listened to it with a pinch of salt. I don’t believe that falling in love is immediate, and that there’s no such thing as love at first sight. Sure, maybe attraction at first sight, but definitely not love. Love is a feeling that grows.

There’s this quote I found by John Money, a psychologist, when I was researching about love that I can really apply to myself:

“There is a rather sophisticated riddle about what a boyfriend (or girlfriend) and a Rorschach inkblot, have in common. The answer is that you project an image of your own onto each. In many instance, a person does not fall in love with a partner, per se, but with a partner as a Rorschach love-blot. That is to say, the person projects onto the partner an idealized and highly idiosyncratic image that diverges from the image of that partner as perceived by other people. Hence the popular idiom that love is blind, for a lover projects onto a partner, or love-blot, his/her unique love image, as unique as his/her own face or finger print.”

I’ve always thought that it was only me who thought like this, and I’m happy to find that there’s actually somebody else who think alike.

I’ve always felt that when guys start liking me, they don’t actually like ME. They project what they want to see of me, and judge me from how I act or what I talk about initially. They have expectations. Then it’s only when they get to know me more that often times I don’t live up to those expectations. Of course, this doesn’t need to happen over just a matter of month or two, it can occur over longer periods of time like up to a year even. And I hate disappointing people. Especially, when I’ve fallen in love with that person too. It hurts, you know, when the person you love expects so much from you, and wants you to be that idealized person they thought you were when they started dating you. It hurts when they can’t grow to love you as the person you truly are.