i hate how one person can easily change your mood. that's the thing, one person shouldn't have that affect on me. it's annoying. well i guess in the first place i shouldn't have expectations in the first place. like if i msg someone i shouldn't have expectations or care that the person's gonna reply back. i know it's petty. such a small thing. and i don't like explaining myself. i know it's not easy to understand me if i don't, or even if i do try people are still kinda lost anyhow.

anyway, listening to music helps me get to a better mood. or it makes me drop deeper into whatever mood i'm in. so if i'm sad i can even get sadder. but it's crazy i know but that feeling of sadness is something i want to hang onto sometimes. i don't know, maybe it keeps reminding me that i'm just not really perfect and that there's still something missing. whatever that is.

i love how i can act one way when i'm with people, like there's nothing wrong (but i guess there is nothing wrong) but when i'm alone this whole feeling of sadness comes flooding back.

i still have that bad habit... i had this relapse probably 2 or 3 times this year. i don't want to get into details. all my old marks are gone though so i'm not sure how. but god when it hits me it's so hard to stop - that time between the impulse and the action... it's so important. i still can't do it.. and i just let it overwhelm me.

there's this quote that really got me you know, he was saying, "it must be tiring to hide all your sadness behind that smile" or something like that. i have to listen to it again. i don't know if it's normal for people to generally do this. do you think people are usually sad? or am i just the one feeling sad.

but love can be pretty painful huh. love is such a great feeling... but man it can really bring you down. unbelievably down.

seriously it doesn't harm to send a freakin' reply.

I came home and I forgot about what I wanted to write about completely...