i thought about moving back to thailand and that maybe it might not be too bad. maybe i can do a lot more things that i'm interested in than being in singapore - like taking up those guitar lessons again, learning french at alliance francaise since it'll be cheaper, being with my family and dog, taking art classes, who knows, maybe i'll even get married and have a family. maybe it'll make me buy a house, or a condo, so that i can live in it.

listening to explosions in the sky always makes me emotional, but maybe that's a good thing. coz maybe i'm listening to my heart more.

i hate how one person can easily change your mood. that's the thing, one person shouldn't have that affect on me. it's annoying. well i guess in the first place i shouldn't have expectations in the first place. like if i msg someone i shouldn't have expectations or care that the person's gonna reply back. i know it's petty. such a small thing. and i don't like explaining myself. i know it's not easy to understand me if i don't, or even if i do try people are still kinda lost anyhow.

anyway, listening to music helps me get to a better mood. or it makes me drop deeper into whatever mood i'm in. so if i'm sad i can even get sadder. but it's crazy i know but that feeling of sadness is something i want to hang onto sometimes. i don't know, maybe it keeps reminding me that i'm just not really perfect and that there's still something missing. whatever that is.

i love how i can act one way when i'm with people, like there's nothing wrong (but i guess there is nothing wrong) but when i'm alone this whole feeling of sadness comes flooding back.

i still have that bad habit... i had this relapse probably 2 or 3 times this year. i don't want to get into details. all my old marks are gone though so i'm not sure how. but god when it hits me it's so hard to stop - that time between the impulse and the action... it's so important. i still can't do it.. and i just let it overwhelm me.

there's this quote that really got me you know, he was saying, "it must be tiring to hide all your sadness behind that smile" or something like that. i have to listen to it again. i don't know if it's normal for people to generally do this. do you think people are usually sad? or am i just the one feeling sad.

but love can be pretty painful huh. love is such a great feeling... but man it can really bring you down. unbelievably down.

seriously it doesn't harm to send a freakin' reply.

I came home and I forgot about what I wanted to write about completely...

The Pacific Blues

Currently on a work trip to Papua New Guinea and have been here for about 5 days already. I'll be going back to Singapore tomorrow. I just stepped outside of the hotel today for the first time since I arrived.

Sometimes I just wonder whether life should just be about working 5 days a week for the rest of your life until you retire. It takes up so much time of my life.

When I think about how much time I waste just by going to the office and doing the same thing over and over and over again, I can't help but think that there should be more to life than this. I went to school, went to college, got a job and now make some money. But is this really life? Is this what we're meant to be doing on earth? We have such a short time living and I spend most of my time doing things that are so unimportant. OK I feel that the content of my job itself is pretty fulfilling, but I don't know, there's gotta be something more than living life like this. Everything is just so fixed by society, all the next steps we have to take in life. It's just so exact and ordinary that I want to break out of it.

When I die, I'm not going to be taking anything with me, so even if I save up so much money, what's the point? Sometimes I think that I'd rather just keep moving and explore, make some money along the way just to live by, and just absorb everything that I can see or feel while I can.

I just canceled meeting up with a colleague of mine today at Ang Mo Kio (she lives around there so she was gonna take me around to eat) coz this morning was pretty gray and rainy, but now it's actually getting better. I can never really tell with weather in Singapore as it's always half day rain - half day sunshine.

Anyway, I'm heading to Chinatown this evening I guess to buy some almond cookies for my mom which she really liked when she visited me a couple of months back. I thought the cookies tasted kind of like card board but hey, if she liked it, OK then. I haven't really eaten around Chinatown since I moved here either so maybe I'll try the Chinese food around there. I'll be flying back to Thailand next Wednesday to visit my family, friends and dog. Things were looking pretty tense there a couple days ago and I was considering if I should be going or not. But things seemed to have calmed down a bit so I'll probably still go.

"That composure... I'd like to smile like you do," he said.

The man replied, "If you try, you'll find there's nothing stop you."

- House of Five Leaves

Hello Four Months Later

I'm not completely sure I understand what the implications of moving to Singapore exactly are, but I wanted to do it because I wanted to start something new. I was pretty content living in Thailand but I still wanted to try working abroad and getting out of my comfort zone. No matter what, I think it's good that I moved here. The thrill of moving to a new country still hasn't faded since I was young and although there were some hurdles in the way once I moved here, I think the dusts are settling and I'm beginning to enjoy what life there is to offer here.

I think inside, and sometimes vocally, I grumbled a lot about how things were in the beginning. Like how people are rude and annoying, or how the real estate agents are useless, or how the standards they supposedly set and are so proud of are actually in reality so not practical and a hindrance to getting things done, and not to mention that things are overly expensive here. But I don't know, I guess in the end I just don't want to be that person who complains about it. Sure, I complain still if pens and notebooks aren't completely lined up straight, or if there's paper littered around a table and not stacked up neatly, or if the the plastic bag in the trash can isn't put properly, or if there's clothes hangars hung up outside gathering dust, but I don't want to complain about the bigger things.

My life is here now. And I want to make the most out of it. I want to meet new people, make new friends, experience new things, take up new lessons, and just live and be real to myself and others.

Since last year I had this motto about creating a world I wanted to fall madly in love with, well this year my motto is about just being real. Real in being more expressive about how I feel, real about how I want to live, and what I want to say. I want people to fall in love with the real me, the person who you get to know many months or years later and can put up with, not that person who you meet for a few days and think she's so confident, talkative and friendly. The person everybody likes.

I do love the world I'm living in now, at least much better than two years ago.

Scribble, scribble...

"People live their lives bound by what they see as 'right' or 'true', that's what they call 'reality'."

"However, 'right' and 'true' are nothing but vague terms. Their reality could turn out to be an illusion. Everyone is living by their own assumptions."

"Maybe there's a reason why I feel this way."

---

"What made you realize she was special?"
He replied, "Are those questions that need to be answered logically?"
He pauses, "When I became aware of it, I realize she'd always been special to me. I can't even compare her to anyone else."

:)

"Whenever I catch myself, my eyes are on him. I just can't look at anyone else." She said.
"I catch myself thinking about him all the time, and his face always appears in my mind before I go to sleep."
"I've never felt this way about anyone before," she whispered. "So I thought these feelings were something special."

...