Events That Really Affected Me

1. My grandma passed away in March. And it was really hard on me, in a strange way. It was more about death as a whole that really got me depressed. And how somebody just vanishes. It's a bit too hard for me to swallow that this is all a part of living. So the thought about death lingered long inside me months afterward. My mom keeps saying something about karma and fate, and although I've never been a religious person, I think it's something necessary for some people who need to believe in something or a way to accept the events that occur in life.

2. In June I felt as though I got indirectly criticized pretty badly about my work. And realizing that I'm a sensitive person, or at least now knowing that I'm "highly" sensitive, I processed all input deeply. I felt really bad about myself. And I really didn't know who to turn to for support. I felt like it was a battle with myself. I doubted my skills. I doubted my hopes and dreams. I questioned whether this should be the path I take, and I became even more depressed because I didn't know what else to do. I felt embarrassed to even talk about it with my loved ones because I felt as though I let myself down. I have a really bad habit of putting myself down a lot and thinking that I'm never good enough, which although that's really bad, I know it also keeps pushing me forward, to keep doing my best and hopefully improve.

3. I really looked forward to August because there were so many exciting things, but now I can't wait to get this month over with. I've been feeling exhausted, pressured, and depressed because the nature of my new job is so much more demanding than my old job. I felt that this week was one of those weeks where I really needed the support of my boyfriend the most because it would definitely have made my job transition easier. But it was difficult and this week did not turn out easy because the support was not given. And it became even harder on me because my personal problems kept interfering with work and it took everything I had to keep it together and focus.

4. For the first time I went around town with zero cash in my wallet, for about a week. I have a lot of savings in the bank but it was just money I couldn't touch. I had my credit card, but no cash. I was broke. I think this was because of those airplane tickets I bought to go to Phuket. So money was really tight and it made me feel kind of uncomfortable. It also made me realize what a luxury it is to have money though. Not having to worry about buying food, and thinking simultaneously about whether there would be enough money for the next meal.

And on a random thought, one thing I realized this month was that there's nobody in this world that could love you more than your parents. Because no matter how horrible I am/was, a liar, selfish, or mean, they would always put up with it. I also appreciate my friends who have patiently listened to me cry and talk to them about my problems endlessly. Those who have called or made the effort to make me feel better.