Things just never get any easier with time. Sometimes I feel as though I'm moving backwards instead of forward. I try to do things that I think will make me happier. Like listening to a song. But in the end that song would make me feel even worse. There was a while when I even started painting and drawing back in college. I never really understand why this sadness is always lingering there. Like a black cloak wrapped loosely around my heart. I try my best to build up my individual self. But the thought that I'm getting left behind really tears me apart. Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I get so tired of feeling this way. What's worse, being unable to rescue myself from me is so sad. I try breathing in and out slowly. When I start feeling that anguish sadness creeping towards me again. And I can feel its every move. And when it engulfs me wholly, it hurts so badly. I picture a castle and a room with a heart. And how I try so hard to protect it. It's already so frail. That I don't even believe that it's there. So sometimes I would stab it with a sharpened edge just to watch it scream out in pain. My heart seeps out not blood, but doubt. I don't know when it became so hard to believe.

We're all an individual, she thinks.
You are all one, she says.
Two people does not make a whole.
Of course, loving yourself comes first before anything else, is that right?
You don't have to think about the others.
But why does it make you so uncomfortable?
What is it about stories that changes you?
Why does valuing something causes pain?

Is something wrong? I don't want to think so.