Day 1

Yesterday was one of the most horrible days of my life. Today is also pretty bad. I couldn't sleep last night. I felt hungry, because I didn't eat dinner, but I couldn't eat. I just didn't have the appetite. After Toey told me last night that he wanted a break, my heart broke. I'm preparing for the worse. I know I've been through heartbreaks before, and my friends say that I will survive. And they all say that knowing you, Nid, you will learn to love again, in no time. But at the moment, I just want to dwell on the pain I feel right now. And I'm going to turn this blog, for now, into a day by day place for me to write about my feelings. So it will be very personal.

I love hard, and I also fall hard. I know he said it's a break, to figure out his feelings. But knowing him this long, it's difficult to hope that those feelings he had for me will ever be the same. Or at least I hope that it will become better. I know that feelings takes time to change, and I know he tried to hang on to those feelings, which made me also know that he's not in love with me any more. Oh I do wish that he does. But I know it's not the same kind of love. It's just so difficult for me to accept that he doesn't love me that way any more, or that I'm no longer his special person. I love him dearly.

I'm really hoping that he won't give up. But I know that hoping is also going to hurt me. I left for Malisa's apartment last night and I'm hoping to stay there until Wednesday night. My mom is coming on Thursday to stay with me. I don't want to be alone right now because everything hurts. I never talk to my mom about my relationships, but it's come to the point where I think it's better if I talk to her about it.

What am I going to do? I have my new job that I'm already so stressed about and there's this feeling that's killing me inside. I'm so scared.

I can't believe it's come down to this.