Day 2
I felt a bit better last night when I talked to Alice and Liz. I was really glad that they stayed with me and tried to make me feel better. I was also glad that Jane called because it was a really good feeling to know that somebody cares. And I know that the only thing I probably could talk about nowadays is this, I just felt really grateful that I have caring friends who would be there to listen.
I was able to sleep OK last night. But that was because I was so tired from the whole day and not getting enough sleep the night before. I also ate some dinner, which made me feel better. I woke up at 4.30 AM this morning and the thought of Toey looped inside my head again. And I just ended up crying again. I tried to be angry, because Alice told me that when Boom chose to break up with her, she felt more mad than sad. And that was because she felt that she was right and that she was special, and that she deserved better. So I tried to feel angry. I thought about how he could do this to me after all these times. Which worked for a minute I think, and then I just couldn't feel angry any more. So when Malisa woke up I started crying to her. I wish I can be as strong and defiant as Alice sometimes. And Malisa said that's because she knows her self-worth. I know I can become strong if I want, and I know it's not really like I have any other choice now, but to become emotionally stronger. And I feel stronger already that I have to live through this "test" that I'm in.
Malisa told me, if after all these years, of knowing each other so well, and him not being able to see how important you are, respect you, value your feelings and relationship, then it's his lost. She said that having doubts about the relationship is normal, but if the fact that being comfortable and so used to each other isn't enough, then I deserve to be with a guy who values spending time with me. She said that I'm a great girl. And that even throughout the 5 years I've spent with him there were guys that hit on me, knowing that I have a boyfriend, who put themselves out at risk of getting hurt by me, of still calling me and making the effort, then I should be with somebody who wants to be with me. He should know and realize that I chose to be with him, and if he's going to throw that away because he's doubting his feelings, then I deserve better.
Yesterday evening after work I went home first, to take a shower and pack some more clothes for Malisa's since I'm staying there right now. I got home at around 5 PM. Did what I have to do and when I finished, I just felt so miserable being at home.
The things I kept thinking throughout the whole day were so much. I kept thinking whether this "break" was a good thing or actually a bad thing. I wondered if it would've been better if I told him NO, and work things out with him together, or if giving him this space was better. I wondered what it would mean if it actually took a whole month for him to sort out his feelings for me. And that if it took that long, should we still even be together? Then I wondered about this break, about the distance we're keeping from each other, and if it would've been better if we still talked.
Alice told me everybody has a choice. And so much as I feel that the ball is in his court right now. I also can make a choice. I know right now, I really want to see and talk to him. And it hurts me sometimes, when I think that maybe he doesn't want to see and talk to me because he's not calling me. I know we're on a break and that means no contact. Liz also said that when Bunna and her took a break, when she had doubts about her feelings for him, it wasn't until the third week or so when they started talking again. She said that the distance was good for her, because it made her realize how much he meant to her. I know every relationship's different and I can't apply what happened to other people with mine. But yeah, it's just hard.
Malisa said I should make the choice of just breaking up with him. Because so long as you still hope, you will suffer. She said, does he know this? Does he even care what you're going through? Does he see you? She said I need to move on.
Right now, I'm in survival mode.
I was able to sleep OK last night. But that was because I was so tired from the whole day and not getting enough sleep the night before. I also ate some dinner, which made me feel better. I woke up at 4.30 AM this morning and the thought of Toey looped inside my head again. And I just ended up crying again. I tried to be angry, because Alice told me that when Boom chose to break up with her, she felt more mad than sad. And that was because she felt that she was right and that she was special, and that she deserved better. So I tried to feel angry. I thought about how he could do this to me after all these times. Which worked for a minute I think, and then I just couldn't feel angry any more. So when Malisa woke up I started crying to her. I wish I can be as strong and defiant as Alice sometimes. And Malisa said that's because she knows her self-worth. I know I can become strong if I want, and I know it's not really like I have any other choice now, but to become emotionally stronger. And I feel stronger already that I have to live through this "test" that I'm in.
Malisa told me, if after all these years, of knowing each other so well, and him not being able to see how important you are, respect you, value your feelings and relationship, then it's his lost. She said that having doubts about the relationship is normal, but if the fact that being comfortable and so used to each other isn't enough, then I deserve to be with a guy who values spending time with me. She said that I'm a great girl. And that even throughout the 5 years I've spent with him there were guys that hit on me, knowing that I have a boyfriend, who put themselves out at risk of getting hurt by me, of still calling me and making the effort, then I should be with somebody who wants to be with me. He should know and realize that I chose to be with him, and if he's going to throw that away because he's doubting his feelings, then I deserve better.
Yesterday evening after work I went home first, to take a shower and pack some more clothes for Malisa's since I'm staying there right now. I got home at around 5 PM. Did what I have to do and when I finished, I just felt so miserable being at home.
The things I kept thinking throughout the whole day were so much. I kept thinking whether this "break" was a good thing or actually a bad thing. I wondered if it would've been better if I told him NO, and work things out with him together, or if giving him this space was better. I wondered what it would mean if it actually took a whole month for him to sort out his feelings for me. And that if it took that long, should we still even be together? Then I wondered about this break, about the distance we're keeping from each other, and if it would've been better if we still talked.
Alice told me everybody has a choice. And so much as I feel that the ball is in his court right now. I also can make a choice. I know right now, I really want to see and talk to him. And it hurts me sometimes, when I think that maybe he doesn't want to see and talk to me because he's not calling me. I know we're on a break and that means no contact. Liz also said that when Bunna and her took a break, when she had doubts about her feelings for him, it wasn't until the third week or so when they started talking again. She said that the distance was good for her, because it made her realize how much he meant to her. I know every relationship's different and I can't apply what happened to other people with mine. But yeah, it's just hard.
Malisa said I should make the choice of just breaking up with him. Because so long as you still hope, you will suffer. She said, does he know this? Does he even care what you're going through? Does he see you? She said I need to move on.
Right now, I'm in survival mode.
Labels: depression
posted by hoopskratchz at
8:24 AM
1 Comments:
Nid, you will get through this. You're a fighter.
Getting angry may help but it could also mean the end of any future friendship the two of you might have. Can you be friends with him without being with him?
I know it's hard right now. I think we've all been where you are now at various times in our lives. But it does get better, I promise.
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