Stuff

Have you ever felt like you’re just alive but not really living? Have you ever felt so confused that you became so scared to make a decision? Have you cared so much about other people that you ended up not caring enough about yourself? Have you thought about your past so much you forgot about the present? Have you felt so overwhelmed by your feelings that you start to feel uncontrollable?

That’s how I was living my life, ages 18 to 26. That’s eight years. Of feeling lost. And not knowing who I am.

But there’s always a split second in everybody’s lives when everything becomes clear, and you know, see, hear, feel and understand everything around you, and inside you.

It happened to me twice.

It felt as though I lifted my head out of the water. All that water pressure, that god damn water pressure that bothered my ears and eyes, vanished in an instant. I opened my eyes and I could breathe. That sense of joy, knowing that you’ll be fine, was surreal.

The first time it happened to me, it was four years ago. It happened because I said, I’ve had enough.

The second time it happened to me, it was one month ago. It happened because I said, I’m too excited.

My friend asked me once, during the time I felt depressed before, if I ever thought about committing suicide. I said no, because I’m too excited about tomorrow.

I used to think I had a huge problem with depression. But I realize now, that I didn’t have depression. At least it wasn’t extreme depression.

It really was just a problem. My life became easier because I found the problem. And I got it fixed.