My Friends

On the way home from dinner last night (around midnight), I was in the car with Malisa and Jane. And Malisa started asking about whether we feel we're disconnected to some things sometimes. I didn't really answer. Because I know I've always felt disconnected. I used to think that I was really disconnected from people. Because we have a body, and a mind, that's so different and unique from everybody else. And when we do find somebody that you can connect with, it's so wonderful. But it has also made me sad, that the number of people who you disconnect with is more than who you connect with. But maybe it's not the sadness that I feel, and maybe it's even elation that there is some people I can connect with. Although sometimes that connection, there's always other motives or intentions involved. Sometimes I wonder if it can ever be pure.

But then I thought, during all the times that I have been in (romantic) relationships, I realized now that the biggest issue for me was that, I became very disconnected with myself. And that is not good. And that has been the cause for a lot of my inner self problems. However, I do think that I am getting back on the right track. And that I am getting connected to my self again.

I think we all have different personas around different people. I still consider the friends I know here the best and closest of people who have known me, but on different levels, and vice versa. I will never get to know that side of Malisa who's a musician, because even though we share the same love for music, there's a side I don't see when she's with her band composing and making music. I will never see that side of Jane, and how she was when she was in college in Mahidol, and even during work, and during her MIM course. There will be sides of Ahn, who I don't see when he's around his family. And Liz, when she creates designs and artwork for her work. Or Kenna, who's living her life in Hong Kong. And Chieng, and his "society" of friends in England. Or Alice, who has her friends at Central, and Thai friends. We all have different bonds, or connection, that we share differently with people, and yet, it's always exciting to get to know that new connection, if they decide to share it with you. We're all like the moon, half shrouded in darkness to others, and showing light to some, even if we become a full moon, that others can see and light the path for others to follow, you will always have that other side you choose to remain dark.

And then there's me, who my friends will never get to know about how I was in Penn State, or my friends at UNICEF and how I am with my other group of friends. Or how I was so disconnected with my self, that it's made me depressed for a while. So I think that the most important thing for me right now, is being able to connect the disconnection with my self. There will always be times, when I am happy with my friends, but still feel that my heart is disconnected. But I've come to realize also, that there's a sweet sadness to relationships sometimes (friends, family and romantic), so for me, and I think for anyone, is to feel connected with yourself.

There are things people in this world cannot see. It is something very gentle and sweet. And people yearn for it. And that's why the world has hidden it. To make sure that not just anyone can put their hands on it. But at some point in time, someone will find it. You will find it. And it will be in yourself, and I hope that you find it.

Thank you to all my friends here and abroad, who lent me their support and ears and a shoulder to cry on when my life crashed. But I'm still alive! So... thanks :)