Me and my heart we got issues

Drinking

I went to Route two nights in a row. I am pretty sick of that place although I realize that I probably like that club more than all of the other ones on RCA. Nick's friend, Andre, thinks I drink a lot.

I don't like vodka. I don't like it mixed in any of my drinks. And since I usually just mix my alcohol with soda, it tasted like crap. Maybe it'll taste a bit better with lemon, but vodka/soda just doesn't work. (soda has 0 calories)

We opted not to buy a bottle the second night we were at Route because Nick's friends don't really drink, so I had a Smirnoff wine cooler, half a Long Island Ice Tea, half a Kahlua Milk, and a glass of Whiskey/soda. I didn't even feel a thing! I think bottles are the only way to go for me.

Dodging the Other Way

I've noticed that usually when I see people I know (ones that I'm not really close to or just see on a very rare occasion), I'd dodge the other way so they won't see me. I don't know why I do this. I think it could be that I'm just too lazy to make conversation. Or I'm just anti-social.

Yesterday I was at the gym and I saw one of my ex-coworker from Siemens. I haven't seen him in ages. He used to be an intern there and we even went out a few times for drinks with other people. We promised to keep in touch when he went back to Germany. Anyway, I don't know if he saw me but I was trying to stay clearly away from him and his gang of friends. I see them looking my way a few times but I don't think he recognizes me or anything.

Cheap Ticket (I Think)

I just recently bought my ticket from BKK - London and Paris - BKK for 26,000 baht. I think that's really cheap, don't you think? Looking forward to flying Etihad!

Winding Down

I'm glad to be tying up lose ends this months regarding work and visa stuff. I also have a slight cold so I have to deal with this annoying headache. I have two more weeks left of work before I'm outta here! I am so looking forward to my one month break... I'm glad things all worked out in the end.

Seriously, this thing is really bothering me

I realized after re-examining my feelings and who I am, even though I always said that I welcome changes and challenges, I know that I still balk at the unknown. I think this is the perfect situation that really determines what type of person I am.

Somebody told me before that I can't handle not knowing what's going to happen in the future. Which is kind of ironic because nobody does really know what's going to happen in the future, but we can make it easier on ourselves to choose things that will in a way shine a light a few steps ahead of us so that we know what the next few days, or few months, holds.

Maybe stability and having a sense of security are important to me. It does give me comfort. And to ask whether I'm scared or not about losing my job, then I'll probably say that I am scared shitless that my choice will result in me being jobless for the next few months.

I asked myself whether I will regret it or not if I don't take the level jump. And honestly, when I really think about it, I know that I won't. I might be passing up a very easy opportunity to get promoted because I'd rather stick to something that I have for sure, but I think that's because I know there will always be other opportunities. It's like when I had to choose to go to Bangladesh or not and I chose not to go, although the consequences are probably not as severe as this.

Maybe in the end I just have to accept that I am too chicken to risk losing this job, especially now with the economy being so bad and knowing how hard it's going to be to find a job that I like doing.

Stressful July and Probably August

I honestly don't know if I'm looking for trouble. I have the option of staying at my current level for another year (slight increase in salary) or have my job jump a level (hence being promoted and a somewhat jump in salary). If I choose to go for the level jump, I would have to re-apply again to my current post and compete with others so that the most suitable person gets it. This is insane. Of course I would be the strongest candidate since I already know the job. But then again, it's not guaranteed also that I would get it, although it seems pretty unlikely that I will NOT get it. My boss and team supports me, I have great evaluations, what's there to worry then? Well, the qualifications might not match as they'd require somebody with 7 years of experience. Still, I can word it in such a way to say that I do have it. But freakin HR can be very particular about this.

Anyway, I was going to go for the level jump but I've decided to ask my boss for this weekend to think about it some more. I feel stupid even. I was the one that started talking to my boss about this whole level thing and I feel that if I don't go through with it then it'll show what a coward I am to play it safe? He understands though and knows that it's a very important decision. I don't want to end up being a fool if I suddenly lost this job to some dude with 10 years of communications experience when I already had it in the beginning.

But when I think about it, I don't like going back on my words. I asked for it so I should finish it. I think it's a risk we all have to take if we want to advance in our careers. Except that if I don't get it this time, I'll be jobless (for a while) and probably kicking myself in the butt. What's really the worst that could happen? I end up jobless and I'd have to look for other jobs, which will open other opportunities for me. Should I be scared? Or should I welcome this change? But I love this job and what I'm doing. But I know also that my own downfall would probably be because of my own damn greediness and ambition to climb that ladder, and there's still a lot of rungs to climb if I want to move up this organization.

My dad, boss and other colleague who supervises some of my work thinks it shouldn't be a problem. If anything bad just happened, it's probably because I just showed my lack of confidence by asking my boss to think about this over the weekend. But I think it's understandable considering it's a very important choice. On the other hand, my friends at work think it's risky. They would say, why not stick to something stable? I think this whole thing is stupid actually. I'm applying for the same job that I'm doing well in now and I'm worried about not getting it? I think that's silly and stupid reasoning. If I don't get it, I think it just seriously means that I should be doing something else.

I'm being indecisive again and I don't like it. I need to stop listening to other people and decide on my own.

"Remember that it's not what you face that counts, but rather how you cope with those circumstances. When we are under stress, we don't have the energy to put on any kind of pretense, and we come face to face with our true self, to the very essence of our soul."