I'm having difficulty sleeping. Which is pretty rare considering how I usually fall asleep by 8.30, 9.00 or 10.00 most of the time. I haven't been up this late in a while, except for weekends. My throat has also been hurting because I caught my niece's cold. To tell you the truth, I actually like this feeling of being sick a bit, since I hardly get sick ever, except for my usual stomach aches. It's going to be a pain getting up in the morning for work. I just know it already. But I'm also feeling slightly unmotivated to go to work.
You know, I was just reading the Alchemist, by Paul Coelho, and in that book he was talking about changes. This was the part where Santiago went to Africa, got his money stolen, started working in the crystal store and the business was expanding really fast. And the store owner was scared, you know, of this change, because he was so used to the same old thing, the routine, the comforts of running a small store although he was so sick, tired and depressed of it because it was getting him no where.
"I don't want to change anything, because I don't know how to deal with change. I'm used to the way I am." He said .
"Today, I understand something I didn't see before: every blessing ignored becomes a curse. I don't want anything else in life. But you are forcing me to look at wealth and at horizons I have never known. Now that I have seen them, and now that I see how immense my possibilities are, I'm going to feel worse than I did before you arrived. Because I know the things I should be able to accomplish, and I don't want to do so."I really like the word possibilities. That was actually one of the reasons why I used that word in an early childhood photo contest at work, because there's so much possibilities for children to become anything in the future. And we are the same. No matter how old we get. No matter how long we've stuck to one job we hate. No matter how long you've been in a relationship that's dying. Once the change happens, the possibilities exist. And it's truly exciting. And liberating. And before you know it, everything that you're doing becomes a will to make that impossibility a possibility.
September 11, 2008. I created a vision. It actually sounded cheesy now that I think about it. To create a world where I can fall madly in love with. And to make everybody that is a part of my world, fall in love with it too. I admit honestly, that along the way, I think I did lose sight of this vision some times. There were times I fell back to depression, times where I became snappy and irritated, times where I felt so alone I started to cry, times where I just stared blankly because I don't know how to express myself. But you know, these feelings comes and goes. I still try though, whenever I revert back to my self, to move forward with my vision. The best thing I found was to really stick to doing a small number of things you really enjoy, and becoming good at it. It's really something ordinary. Like exercising to be healthy, stronger, confident and beautiful. Or reading to be in touch with other people's feelings. And blogging to at least keep one part of my dream alive. You know, that one, to write.
March 1, 2009. I turned 27. And a lot of feelings died that day. For example, I knew that I was no longer a hopeless romantic. I tried telling myself that I still was. After all, I've always called myself a hopeless romantic since I was a kid. That was probably the biggest death to the "me" that everybody knew, more than anything else. But I think we have different definitions to what a hopeless romantic is. I guess for me it means a person who believes faithfully in the concept of love. And that's the other feeling that died, or more like the ability to believe in anything. Words and love are probably my two biggest loves of my life. And that day alone, I stopped believing in the sanctity of words and love. For me, love became an earthbound reality. It was no longer an ideal. It lost its magic. And I moved on.
And today is April 2, 2009. Just another day that I have to go to work, go to the gym, eat at my parents, play with Ginger briefly, read a book, write, hang out with Nick and then go to sleep. It's really a simple thought and procedure, to do all the things that I want to do, that makes me look forward to the next day. And I've really come to look forward to the next day because it is filled with so much possibilities. You can do whatever you want with the minutes and the seconds. It's so exciting. How will the day unfold? Now that you have slept and awoken? You will never look at each morning the same way again when you realize the day's true potential.
Labels: books, depression, love, randomness
