Day 5

Last night I met with Toey's mom. I don't really know why, except that I wanted to talk to her. Or maybe it was because she was kind of going through the same thing, except that in her case they're separated (Toey's mom and dad). I don't know if this is one of the reason about this break, but I know in a way that it's affected Toey in some way, whether he knows it or not. I know I'm just trying to find reasons, because ultimately when people have a change of heart, I know that there's always a reason. Because when I had my doubts about him, there were always reasons.

I felt really sick yesterday, and ended up puking 3 times. Once after I met his mom (she had to take me to the bathroom), another time after I ate dinner with my parents, and once more when I came home.

I went to the hospital today, didn't go to work because I had a fever and couldn't sleep. So I'm on medication now, which is kind of helping.

Going to see Ahn tonight. Finally, I haven't seen him since this happened.

Day 4

I still am not feeling better. Yesterday, I didn't have to go into work because of the PAD protests near my work office (UNICEF) so I stayed at my parent's house. I didn't write about my Day 2 evening so just to recap, I met up with Nut in the evening to talk. I know he's Toey's friend but we also worked together at my old job so I knew I could trust him. I don't know if anything he said, or what anybody has said to me, could ever make me feel better. Maybe it would work for a couple of hours, and my heart would feel calmer, but nothing anybody say would probably make things better unless Toey himself says it...

To make matters worst, my brother was in a car accident and the front of his car is totally wrecked. He's fine though. I just kept thinking, things are just getting worse and worse and worse in my life right now. I told my brother about what I'm going through right now and he listened. He told me to just move on, because when guys say they need a break to figure out their feelings, it probably means that he's thinking of going out with other girls and that there is probably someone or something going on that's really shaking his love for you. Feelings do not just change unless there's a reason. I know Toey, and I trust him. But I can't help but think that the age difference is a key factor as he's young and probably want to see his options and explore. It hurts just thinking about it.

Then I talked to Tae at night. He's probably the only one who's optimistic about it (including Nut), who said that if you really love him, you would wait for his answer. Because at least you've tried. And that trying part really makes a difference in the end. Of course, everybody else is telling me that it's already a breakup and that I need to make it clear to him so that I can put an end to my suffering.

So Day 3, I stayed at home. And I cried. Probably for at least 10 hours, out of the 24 hours in a day. I told my dad and my mom about what happened. And they both told me to forget about it, and that it's a good thing. My mom told me not to contact him, because if he really wants to be with you, he will talk to you. She said, why are you crying for him, when he doesn't even know. He could be out there enjoying himself so much right now, and being with another girl.

Day 3 was really hard. My dad gave me a sleeping pill so I can fall asleep at night. I woke up in the middle of the night a couple times because my stomach was hurting really badly. But I managed to sleep most of the time, which I'm really relieved that I did.

This morning it was hard getting out of bed, but I knew I had to go into work. I really need to get August over with, although I know that September wouldn't be much better, but at least I can think of it as a brand new month.

Day 2

I felt a bit better last night when I talked to Alice and Liz. I was really glad that they stayed with me and tried to make me feel better. I was also glad that Jane called because it was a really good feeling to know that somebody cares. And I know that the only thing I probably could talk about nowadays is this, I just felt really grateful that I have caring friends who would be there to listen.

I was able to sleep OK last night. But that was because I was so tired from the whole day and not getting enough sleep the night before. I also ate some dinner, which made me feel better. I woke up at 4.30 AM this morning and the thought of Toey looped inside my head again. And I just ended up crying again. I tried to be angry, because Alice told me that when Boom chose to break up with her, she felt more mad than sad. And that was because she felt that she was right and that she was special, and that she deserved better. So I tried to feel angry. I thought about how he could do this to me after all these times. Which worked for a minute I think, and then I just couldn't feel angry any more. So when Malisa woke up I started crying to her. I wish I can be as strong and defiant as Alice sometimes. And Malisa said that's because she knows her self-worth. I know I can become strong if I want, and I know it's not really like I have any other choice now, but to become emotionally stronger. And I feel stronger already that I have to live through this "test" that I'm in.

Malisa told me, if after all these years, of knowing each other so well, and him not being able to see how important you are, respect you, value your feelings and relationship, then it's his lost. She said that having doubts about the relationship is normal, but if the fact that being comfortable and so used to each other isn't enough, then I deserve to be with a guy who values spending time with me. She said that I'm a great girl. And that even throughout the 5 years I've spent with him there were guys that hit on me, knowing that I have a boyfriend, who put themselves out at risk of getting hurt by me, of still calling me and making the effort, then I should be with somebody who wants to be with me. He should know and realize that I chose to be with him, and if he's going to throw that away because he's doubting his feelings, then I deserve better.

Yesterday evening after work I went home first, to take a shower and pack some more clothes for Malisa's since I'm staying there right now. I got home at around 5 PM. Did what I have to do and when I finished, I just felt so miserable being at home.

The things I kept thinking throughout the whole day were so much. I kept thinking whether this "break" was a good thing or actually a bad thing. I wondered if it would've been better if I told him NO, and work things out with him together, or if giving him this space was better. I wondered what it would mean if it actually took a whole month for him to sort out his feelings for me. And that if it took that long, should we still even be together? Then I wondered about this break, about the distance we're keeping from each other, and if it would've been better if we still talked.

Alice told me everybody has a choice. And so much as I feel that the ball is in his court right now. I also can make a choice. I know right now, I really want to see and talk to him. And it hurts me sometimes, when I think that maybe he doesn't want to see and talk to me because he's not calling me. I know we're on a break and that means no contact. Liz also said that when Bunna and her took a break, when she had doubts about her feelings for him, it wasn't until the third week or so when they started talking again. She said that the distance was good for her, because it made her realize how much he meant to her. I know every relationship's different and I can't apply what happened to other people with mine. But yeah, it's just hard.

Malisa said I should make the choice of just breaking up with him. Because so long as you still hope, you will suffer. She said, does he know this? Does he even care what you're going through? Does he see you? She said I need to move on.

Right now, I'm in survival mode.

Day 1

Yesterday was one of the most horrible days of my life. Today is also pretty bad. I couldn't sleep last night. I felt hungry, because I didn't eat dinner, but I couldn't eat. I just didn't have the appetite. After Toey told me last night that he wanted a break, my heart broke. I'm preparing for the worse. I know I've been through heartbreaks before, and my friends say that I will survive. And they all say that knowing you, Nid, you will learn to love again, in no time. But at the moment, I just want to dwell on the pain I feel right now. And I'm going to turn this blog, for now, into a day by day place for me to write about my feelings. So it will be very personal.

I love hard, and I also fall hard. I know he said it's a break, to figure out his feelings. But knowing him this long, it's difficult to hope that those feelings he had for me will ever be the same. Or at least I hope that it will become better. I know that feelings takes time to change, and I know he tried to hang on to those feelings, which made me also know that he's not in love with me any more. Oh I do wish that he does. But I know it's not the same kind of love. It's just so difficult for me to accept that he doesn't love me that way any more, or that I'm no longer his special person. I love him dearly.

I'm really hoping that he won't give up. But I know that hoping is also going to hurt me. I left for Malisa's apartment last night and I'm hoping to stay there until Wednesday night. My mom is coming on Thursday to stay with me. I don't want to be alone right now because everything hurts. I never talk to my mom about my relationships, but it's come to the point where I think it's better if I talk to her about it.

What am I going to do? I have my new job that I'm already so stressed about and there's this feeling that's killing me inside. I'm so scared.

I can't believe it's come down to this.

Doctor's Appointment

I have a doctor's appointment this Friday. I guess I will have to leave a bit early from work since he's only available till 5 PM. I don't know how or when or why it's come down to this. I'm even a bit scared of going because I feel like it's re-affirming my assumptions that there is something wrong. It would be nice if a friend could come with me, but I know they still have work. I don't know any more. I just feel really tired and down.

August Books

1. The Highly Sensitive Person In Love by Elaine N. Aron. This was a book I looked up when I was browsing through the Urban Monk website. The author of the blog mentioned that he was a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and immediately I wondered, am I one too? An HSP makes up 15-20% of the human population. They are those born with a nervous system genetically designed to be more sensitive to subtleties, more prone to deep reflection on inner experience, and therefore more inevitably overwhelmed by outer events. I've only read about 30 pages or so and I really like it because I felt as though it kind of made me feel "normal". To be able to believe that possibly the reason why I'm hyper-sensitive, overly-empathetic, deeply-emotional is because of my genetic makeup. The truth of this research, is of course, questionable. But so far, I'm enjoying the read. And, I really wish that my boyfriend would read it too.

2. Why We Love? by Helen Fisher. An anthropoligist, she studies the phenomenon of love, scientifically. I haven't gone through this book yet, but I heard of her when I went to this website call Ted.com that contains a lot of inspirational talks in vdo (youtube) format.

3. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This book was also recommended in Urban Monk and by a lot of people who commented or guest blogged on his web site. I decided to check it out. So far, it's a bit too religious but I can see how it can really help people. I thought what was interesting was his input about the Ego, dis-identifying from the Mind, and living in the Now. I've only read 30 pages here, but will probably finish the first two books first before I come back to this one.

Events That Really Affected Me

1. My grandma passed away in March. And it was really hard on me, in a strange way. It was more about death as a whole that really got me depressed. And how somebody just vanishes. It's a bit too hard for me to swallow that this is all a part of living. So the thought about death lingered long inside me months afterward. My mom keeps saying something about karma and fate, and although I've never been a religious person, I think it's something necessary for some people who need to believe in something or a way to accept the events that occur in life.

2. In June I felt as though I got indirectly criticized pretty badly about my work. And realizing that I'm a sensitive person, or at least now knowing that I'm "highly" sensitive, I processed all input deeply. I felt really bad about myself. And I really didn't know who to turn to for support. I felt like it was a battle with myself. I doubted my skills. I doubted my hopes and dreams. I questioned whether this should be the path I take, and I became even more depressed because I didn't know what else to do. I felt embarrassed to even talk about it with my loved ones because I felt as though I let myself down. I have a really bad habit of putting myself down a lot and thinking that I'm never good enough, which although that's really bad, I know it also keeps pushing me forward, to keep doing my best and hopefully improve.

3. I really looked forward to August because there were so many exciting things, but now I can't wait to get this month over with. I've been feeling exhausted, pressured, and depressed because the nature of my new job is so much more demanding than my old job. I felt that this week was one of those weeks where I really needed the support of my boyfriend the most because it would definitely have made my job transition easier. But it was difficult and this week did not turn out easy because the support was not given. And it became even harder on me because my personal problems kept interfering with work and it took everything I had to keep it together and focus.

4. For the first time I went around town with zero cash in my wallet, for about a week. I have a lot of savings in the bank but it was just money I couldn't touch. I had my credit card, but no cash. I was broke. I think this was because of those airplane tickets I bought to go to Phuket. So money was really tight and it made me feel kind of uncomfortable. It also made me realize what a luxury it is to have money though. Not having to worry about buying food, and thinking simultaneously about whether there would be enough money for the next meal.

And on a random thought, one thing I realized this month was that there's nobody in this world that could love you more than your parents. Because no matter how horrible I am/was, a liar, selfish, or mean, they would always put up with it. I also appreciate my friends who have patiently listened to me cry and talk to them about my problems endlessly. Those who have called or made the effort to make me feel better.

Work

I'm feeling really pressured with work and it's only been the second day since I started at my new place. I don't know. I'm actually feeling quite scared because I'm fairly new to this. I'm not even sure if I can do this!

Musician

OK I thought I've heard many beautiful songs from anime already but this song called Musician by Yumi Mitora Kusakurin just blew me away. It was performed in episodes 92 and 93 of D. Gray-Man. The piano is so moving! If you get a chance, try searching for it on Youtube. Nut managed to find the unofficial score online for the piano so I'm going to ask my guitar teacher if he can play it on the guitar.

Southward, I Go

Today is my last working day and tomorrow I will be flying to Phuket for a break. I haven't been to Phuket since I was a kid and I have no recollection of anything there so I'm pretty excited about it. The weather also seems to be OK there. Hope it doesn't rain that's all.

Uncertainties

Sometimes I feel like a child looking for attention. It's like waiting all day for your parents to come home from work and then not being sure how to act. It's as though your heart is overflowing with love and affection, you're so happy to see them, but you're uncertain, of how to act and what to say. You miss them. But you see how they look tired, and perhaps they just want to be left alone and given some space. And you're that person, who's been waiting all day, and still waiting.

Venting Through Baking

I think I can be so destructive to myself.

So this weekend, I'm going to bake. I'm going to bake muffins. Or a cake. I'll ask my little niece Jan to help me out. It'll be like a bonding thing. There's this recipe I've been meaning to try. It's a recipe to make Sun Dried Cottage Cheese muffins. It's healthy. And I'm sure Toey will like it since he's so health conscious. I'll put all my love into it. I'm going to be constructive.

Things just never get any easier with time. Sometimes I feel as though I'm moving backwards instead of forward. I try to do things that I think will make me happier. Like listening to a song. But in the end that song would make me feel even worse. There was a while when I even started painting and drawing back in college. I never really understand why this sadness is always lingering there. Like a black cloak wrapped loosely around my heart. I try my best to build up my individual self. But the thought that I'm getting left behind really tears me apart. Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I get so tired of feeling this way. What's worse, being unable to rescue myself from me is so sad. I try breathing in and out slowly. When I start feeling that anguish sadness creeping towards me again. And I can feel its every move. And when it engulfs me wholly, it hurts so badly. I picture a castle and a room with a heart. And how I try so hard to protect it. It's already so frail. That I don't even believe that it's there. So sometimes I would stab it with a sharpened edge just to watch it scream out in pain. My heart seeps out not blood, but doubt. I don't know when it became so hard to believe.

We're all an individual, she thinks.
You are all one, she says.
Two people does not make a whole.
Of course, loving yourself comes first before anything else, is that right?
You don't have to think about the others.
But why does it make you so uncomfortable?
What is it about stories that changes you?
Why does valuing something causes pain?

Is something wrong? I don't want to think so.

Thank God The Prices of Fuel Has Gone Down

It couldn't come at a better time than this. The prices of fuel has gone down further. Bangkok Post reports that:

"The retail price of five-percent biodiesel, or B5, will drop to 36.14 baht per liter. The retail benzene prices remain unchanged, with benzene 91 at 37.99 baht a liter, gasohol 95 at 30.49 baht per liter, and gasohol 91 at 26.69 baht a liter."

So far, I've driven around 180 km, which consumed about half a tank of gas in my new Honda Jazz.