Stuff

Have you ever felt like you’re just alive but not really living? Have you ever felt so confused that you became so scared to make a decision? Have you cared so much about other people that you ended up not caring enough about yourself? Have you thought about your past so much you forgot about the present? Have you felt so overwhelmed by your feelings that you start to feel uncontrollable?

That’s how I was living my life, ages 18 to 26. That’s eight years. Of feeling lost. And not knowing who I am.

But there’s always a split second in everybody’s lives when everything becomes clear, and you know, see, hear, feel and understand everything around you, and inside you.

It happened to me twice.

It felt as though I lifted my head out of the water. All that water pressure, that god damn water pressure that bothered my ears and eyes, vanished in an instant. I opened my eyes and I could breathe. That sense of joy, knowing that you’ll be fine, was surreal.

The first time it happened to me, it was four years ago. It happened because I said, I’ve had enough.

The second time it happened to me, it was one month ago. It happened because I said, I’m too excited.

My friend asked me once, during the time I felt depressed before, if I ever thought about committing suicide. I said no, because I’m too excited about tomorrow.

I used to think I had a huge problem with depression. But I realize now, that I didn’t have depression. At least it wasn’t extreme depression.

It really was just a problem. My life became easier because I found the problem. And I got it fixed.

Car Accident

Barely two months old and my white stormtrooper has already been in a car accident. I was driving on the highway yesterday when the car in front of me breaked, I breaked, and the car in the back of me didn't break in time and crashed into the back of my car.

I'm fine though. Just came out with a slightly bloody thumb.

Feelings that I noticed the moment my car crashed. I wasn't scared. I just felt really calm and indifferent. I think everything happened too fast to be scared anyway. Plus, the car hit me from the back, so I didn't really see the car crashing into me.

Still, I just didn't care. My heart was so still it scared me. I didn't care about how my car was because I knew that it could be fixed. I didn't care that I was fine and that my hands were still gripped around the steering wheel.

I have to get my car fixed before I go to Sukhothai next weekend. I guess I'll bring it in to Honda on Thursday evening.

Strong Suits and Identity

Two things I learned last weekend that really got me thinking.

I’ll talk about one of them today. It’s called strong suits.

A strong suit, to put it simply, is a personality or identity you slam on because you believe it works and makes you successful. So whenever you’re face with a problem, a decision, or whatever it is, the strong suit is activated.

People usually have three main strong suits. People can have more, but it’s usually just a branch out of the three main ones.

Strong suits develop due to three events in your life that had a huge impact on you.

The first strong suit you slam on usually occurs when you’re 2-8 years old. Something bad happens, and for the first time in your life, you feel like there’s something wrong, you felt like you weren’t good enough.

The second strong suit occurs later, possibly in your teens, when the most important people in your life are probably your friends. Something bad happens, and you felt like you didn’t belong.

The third strong suit occurs again later. Something bad happens, and for the first time, you felt like you were on your own.

Now these strong suits you put on, works, and it has made me you successful, in whatever way you wanted it to work. But it also restricts and constraints you. It also makes you unhappy.

For example, I’ll talk about my strong suits. I’ve only figured out two…

1. This happened when I was in Pakistan. I was in 1st grade. I was with my dad. We were outside and his friends were there. I was playing around. After my dad’s friends left, he started yelling at me really loudly. And he hit me. He was very angry. He scolded me for not “wai”-ing his friends, which is a traditional Thai thing to do when you meet elders and said I was impolite, rude and disgracing him in front of his friends. I honestly didn’t know. I didn’t know that I had to “wai” his friends. I thought I didn’t do anything wrong. I thought, I disappointed my dad, and that I wasn’t good enough. From that day on, I slammed on my first strong suit. Being different. I didn’t understand the Thai-ness in the society I lived in, I didn’t understand why everybody had to conform, I didn’t understand why he had to be so angry at me when I was just being myself, I didn’t understand why I had to act a certain way because he wanted me to do it, or because society expects me to do it. Since then, I’ve done everything I could to be different, from wanting to learn everything possible so that I can think differently, from traveling a lot so I can see things from different perspectives, from experiencing everything I can so I won’t be labeled easily on a shelf. And it worked, being different made me feel powerful and special. I had to know everything and its meaning and reasons. But how has it restricted me? It’s also made me feel isolated.

2. This occurred during middle school in 6th grade. I don’t want to recount this one because some of my friends who were involved in the incident also reads my blog and I don’t want to talk about it. But I was hurt, and for the first time, I felt like I didn’t belong. The strong suit I slammed on was being an extrovert. I became super friendly, super nice, super understanding, super supportive, super outgoing, and probably a lot more. I became a super friend. And it works. People like me. I’ve made tons of friends. But yet, it conflicts. I’m shy, I can get pretty timid, and I have my own world that I like to be in, not even being physically alone, but just mentally alone. It’s restrictive because I feel pulled in two directions, as though I have a split personality.

I don’t like thinking that people’s personalities are shaped because of these things. But I think it’s interesting to try and figure it out anyway, just to see if something did happen, which has made you act a certain way. It’s actually quite fun thinking about these things. I’m still trying to figure out my third one. I feel like it’s within my grasp, but I’m not quite there yet.

The Fortune Teller Was Wrong About One Thing

The Landmark Forum

For those of you who wondered where the heck I was hiding this past weekend, I was taking a class about life, which lasted from 9 AM to 11 PM Friday, Saturday, and Sunday plus Tuesday, from 7 PM to 11 PM.

I know, it sounds crazy huh? Almost cultish to a certain degree. But I thought, I’m taking guitar classes, painting classes, why not one about life too? Alice introduced me to the Landmark Forum, she’s really into it, and she truly believes that taking the class really inspires you. Some of you may have heard of it, some of you may have not. I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty open-minded person, but like all others, I also immediately jumped to the conclusion that it’s just a business trying to reap benefits from other people’s misery. But I don’t know, I also think that if it does help people, then there’s nothing wrong with that, right? So the person who wanted to learn more won, I decided to take the class to see what this whole thing was about. Plus, I wasn’t busy or anything. So, why not? Deep down, I also hoped it would make me feel better about everything that happened in the last couple months.

On Friday morning, I was really disappointed, because it just sounded like another sales pitch where the Forum Leader was trying to sell me more classes to learn. Before lunch, she said that if anybody wanted to leave, we could now, and that they will refund all the money. Nobody left. I didn’t leave. But for a second, I did think about getting my money back and going back to sleep or work. I thought, why am I missing work to come to this?

Was I glad that I stayed? I guess. I definitely learned a lot of new concepts and perspectives, so I thought that was good (I’ll share them later). And it was also like reading a self-development book, but actually using the stuff you read and taking action as compared to just reading and thinking, yeah I think that’s a good idea, but no action.

Basically, this Forum is about transformation. Not changes. People can never be happy if you keep trying to change something, change yourself, and fix things. On the other hand, transformation is where you can create a realm of possibilities.

You know, throughout this whole Forum, I certainly thought it sounded like stuff I actually know or are just plain common sense. But I think people actually need to hear these things in order to really get it.

She talked a lot about breakthroughs, but I think I’ve had my breakthroughs already before I entered the Forum because of all the crap I had to deal with the last two months. I took actions to a certain extent with regards to my life already, although I knew I took more actions after this whole thing too.

Breakthroughs don’t occur until you’ve had a breakdown. That was the last thing she said on Tuesday. So I was right in a way since I had a major breakdown in August. The breakdowns, create possibilities. A vacuum was created. Space was created. And from that space, you know that anything can be possible for your future. So despite the breakdown, I knew I was excited. And in a really weird way, although it was damn hard to admit at that time, happy.

There were around 200 people taking the class, but I don’t think it had a huge impact on me as it did compared to others. But I think that’s also a part of my personality though, where I need to have all the explanations and reasons there for me before I can understand and admit that it’s true. It’s as though I can’t accept a theory, without analyzing it from all angles first.

A lot of people that came to the Forum, did not have problems. As in, I would probably say that a majority of the people that participated were pretty content with their life and accepted how things were, how they were, how life was. Of course, I could be wrong. There’s always something wrong with somebody’s life. But I also think it’s this acceptance mentality, that’s kind of wrong too. I accept you for who you are, I accept myself for who I am, I accept the circumstances, bullshit. Is this true happiness, I wonder? Is this denial? I don’t think people should ever accept things for how things are because that acceptance causes people to become static with life.

This weekend was really tiring for me. I felt like I didn’t sleep at all. And this was the weekend also where I started to drink coffee a lot. Yeah, that’s how tired I was. I could literally feel the stress in my stomach. It also made me wonder whether the Forum was scheduled like this to make participants feel so tired.

Poorani said we are all meaning-making machines. Life is empty and meaningless. Those two sentences really stung me. I am not a machine. Life is neither empty nor meaningless. And I questioned her and those two sentences like hell.

I asked, why we have to separate our selves, and life. It’s like the two sentences were meant to be a paradox or something. I get it, but I also don’t. I asked if she was talking about the word life as an etymology, or what life symbolizes as an epistemology.

Yes, the meaning-making machine inside me is working. But I still also refuse to think of myself as just a machine, created for a purpose?

She said, Nid, you’re a smart girl. Stop finding reasons. You can figure this out. You already know this. Just be present.

Almost time for lunch, will continue later…

Fortune Teller

Two days ago, I went to see a fortune teller with my friends from work. She can be found around Thammasat Tha Prajan area. My friends said she’s pretty accurate and you have to make an appointment way in advance because she’s usually booked throughout the day.

It’s been five years since I’ve been to one. The last time I went was when I first started going out with you-know-who, right after Pete and I broke up. They said she was pretty accurate too, although I don’t remember much of what was said back then except that I have “two” soul mates. Whatever that means… I tend to just listen about love stuff and disregard the rest. Malisa also reminded me that I’ll marry a foreigner and end up working at home freelancing, maybe writing a book. She said I was disappointed when the fortune teller said that back then, because she knew how ambitious I was. Now, I actually don’t mind staying home, writing a book, and taking care of the kids. About my two soul mates, she said that I get along well with both of them, but she said to choose the foreigner. That was five years ago.

Anyway… I’m already forgetting what this one said…

In general, this one said that everything is great. I’ll be successful with my work, I’ll be doing a lot of traveling, I won’t have any problems with money although I should be careful about spending more than I should this coming two months. She also said that my love life will be great.

Now Nick was there when I saw the fortune teller. So obviously the fortune teller was saying, there’s a tall, white guy who really likes and cares about me a lot. She said that this guy is sincere, honest and straightforward. He can make me happy if I let him. He will like me more and more. So all in all, love life = great!

I asked about my past. She said something happened and I was really sad. She said there was a guy, tanned, and it didn’t work out. She said we’ll become distant. She said, he’s gone, so be with the person you’re with right now. Forget the past.

She said be careful about your health. You’re not eating properly, missing meals, not getting enough sleep, tired, and really worn out. Work will be challenging but you will be successful in everything you do. She said to tackle every problem that comes to you day-by-day and everything will be fine. I will be doing a lot of traveling back and forth.

She said I’m not really home with my family. She said my mom’s not that scary or strict, but for some reason we don’t talk. She said my mom’s really worried. She said my family is fine though, and that they’re healthy, and that my brother is happy and successful, although might not be as successful as me. She said that work, travel and love are really strong.

She said that in two years there’s a possibility that I will be living abroad permanently, and that this will be a major change, especially in work as I will be doing something drastically different from what I’m doing right now (writing a book?). She also said I could get married at 28.

So that’s all that I remembered. If I go see her next time, I think I’ll just record whatever she said so I don’t forget.

Yesterday, I talked to my friends at work about this. I said, it must be really sad if your life is already destined to happen. I asked if she believes this stuff.

She said that she believes it. She talked to her friend before, who has some sort of sixth sense, and he said that your life is pretty much determined already but you still can choose the path you want to take, but in the end, it will all lead to the same place.

For example, you can choose to take the long, hard way, or the short cut. But you will end up at your destination no matter what.

Do I think my reading was accurate? I think in general it sounded pretty consistent with what has happened in my life. I do have a lot of travel plans, work and personal. I still don’t know though, it’s just tarot cards after all.

If you want to go see her, just contact me and I’ll give you her number.

Sukhothai

Will be going to Sukhothai for Loy Krathong with Nick and work people on Nov 7-9. Can't wait!

Choices

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.

I've always tried my best to follow that.

And I've made mine today.

I Hate Mosquitoes

DAMMIT!! Those bloodsuckers are everywhere in my office room! Actually it's probably just ONE damn mosquito I can't get my hands on. Tonight I'm buying myself some mosquito repellant lotion so I can smear it on before I come to work.

Nick

I met a guy name Nick last Sunday. And we totally connected. At least for me, it did. He reminded me of my close friend Liz, who's also a graphic designer, who's also gentle yet strong, and caring and thoughtful. I've been spending a lot of my time with him this past week. And I enjoyed every second of it. The interesting thing is that we have a lot of similarities, but we're different enough to find each other fascinating still.

I do this subconsciously with guys. I know who I would want to date and have as a boyfriend, and who I would not. Just from knowing that person a couple days and from talking. So Nick, if you're reading my blog, you fall in the first category.

It's useless of me to say don't think too much because it never works for people like us. But just know that whatever you think, whatever I feel, it's genuine, honest and real.

Relationships

I'm at work. It's 8 AM. I should be doing work. But I wanted to say this. I was talking to Malisa last night. I know I'm not taking any more medication, because it makes me really sleepy during the day time, and sometimes I can't even work properly because I just want to sleep. So I decided to stop taking it, and because I wanted to deal with my feelings instead of hiding from it by taking pills. I know it's making my hands shake. Which is kind of freaking me out. But I know it'll go away with time.

So I talked to her. And because I'm not taking those medication any more. I'm starting to think about him again. Not in the sense where I miss him, and want to be back together with him. Or that I still love him, or I don't. But thinking about how we both just moved on, or forward. I haven't talked to him since that day we met on September 11. It's October now, and I feel fine, but still feel slightly sad sometimes. But sad not because we broke up. Sad because he was like my bestfriend. Who I can't talk to any more. It's always like that with relationships, and when people break up. You end up not losing a boyfriend, but also a bestfriend.

Malisa tells me that she's sure we'll talk again with time. But it's not as though I'm dying for it to happen. I don't have that urge to talk to him or anything. It just shows how we're both moving in two totally different directions. But I'm fine with that now.

I just want my hands to stop shaking though!

Medication

Stopped taking those since Friday. All of them. Currently feeling fine. Not sure if I should because the doctor prescribed these medicine for me to take until next Sat. Should be OK. I can still sleep. I'm eating more. Not sure if I'm gaining any weight back. But I'm pretty content I guess of where things are right now. I think.

Cambodia

Making plans of travelling to Angkor Wat some time in November or December.

Thai Mosquitoes

Damn I hate them. There's so many in my office room. AAARGhhhh! And they're so damn fast!

Coffee

I'm not a big fan of coffee but I'm so sleepy (these past few days) that I just went out to buy a latte.

Backflips

OK I don't know why.. but my heart's been acting really strangely these days. Is it doing backflips?? I can feel so much excitement. Haha.

Thailand's Political Situation

My telephone kept ringing when I was driving to work this morning on the highway. I didn't pick it up until I got off the highway and my colleage was telling me, "Do you know what's going on!?"

OK, so there's all these things happening right now. The police threw tear gases at the protestors. One person lost a leg, a reporter is injured. My colleague was telling me to turn around and go home because my office is located near Parliament House (I think) but since I was almost at the office I just kept going. She turned around and went home. There's not that many people at the office but there hasn't been any UN Security messages sent to me yet. I think they're still monitoring the situation. I called my boss and he told me to stay put at the office because it's probably safer than going outside. Anyway, I then called my direct supervisor and told her to stay put at home and see how the situation goes.

This is madness.

My Friends

On the way home from dinner last night (around midnight), I was in the car with Malisa and Jane. And Malisa started asking about whether we feel we're disconnected to some things sometimes. I didn't really answer. Because I know I've always felt disconnected. I used to think that I was really disconnected from people. Because we have a body, and a mind, that's so different and unique from everybody else. And when we do find somebody that you can connect with, it's so wonderful. But it has also made me sad, that the number of people who you disconnect with is more than who you connect with. But maybe it's not the sadness that I feel, and maybe it's even elation that there is some people I can connect with. Although sometimes that connection, there's always other motives or intentions involved. Sometimes I wonder if it can ever be pure.

But then I thought, during all the times that I have been in (romantic) relationships, I realized now that the biggest issue for me was that, I became very disconnected with myself. And that is not good. And that has been the cause for a lot of my inner self problems. However, I do think that I am getting back on the right track. And that I am getting connected to my self again.

I think we all have different personas around different people. I still consider the friends I know here the best and closest of people who have known me, but on different levels, and vice versa. I will never get to know that side of Malisa who's a musician, because even though we share the same love for music, there's a side I don't see when she's with her band composing and making music. I will never see that side of Jane, and how she was when she was in college in Mahidol, and even during work, and during her MIM course. There will be sides of Ahn, who I don't see when he's around his family. And Liz, when she creates designs and artwork for her work. Or Kenna, who's living her life in Hong Kong. And Chieng, and his "society" of friends in England. Or Alice, who has her friends at Central, and Thai friends. We all have different bonds, or connection, that we share differently with people, and yet, it's always exciting to get to know that new connection, if they decide to share it with you. We're all like the moon, half shrouded in darkness to others, and showing light to some, even if we become a full moon, that others can see and light the path for others to follow, you will always have that other side you choose to remain dark.

And then there's me, who my friends will never get to know about how I was in Penn State, or my friends at UNICEF and how I am with my other group of friends. Or how I was so disconnected with my self, that it's made me depressed for a while. So I think that the most important thing for me right now, is being able to connect the disconnection with my self. There will always be times, when I am happy with my friends, but still feel that my heart is disconnected. But I've come to realize also, that there's a sweet sadness to relationships sometimes (friends, family and romantic), so for me, and I think for anyone, is to feel connected with yourself.

There are things people in this world cannot see. It is something very gentle and sweet. And people yearn for it. And that's why the world has hidden it. To make sure that not just anyone can put their hands on it. But at some point in time, someone will find it. You will find it. And it will be in yourself, and I hope that you find it.

Thank you to all my friends here and abroad, who lent me their support and ears and a shoulder to cry on when my life crashed. But I'm still alive! So... thanks :)

My Family

The last time I remembered my family being together was when I was in Grade 3, when we were in Pakistan. I had to move back to Thailand with my mom, my dad was sent off on a mission in Bosnia, and my brother went to college. I remember clearly that day when he went to the airport. I sat on his suitcase and would not budge because I knew if I move, he will leave, so I sat there and my parents had to drag me off the suitcase. That night, I slept falling asleep with the smell of his t-shirt wrapped snugly around me so I can go to sleep. And that was me in Grade 3.

I grew up with a huge scar in my heart. Not as bad as others I am sure because I know my family loves me, but I've never felt close to them. I could never express my emotions in front of them. It was hard for me to laugh, cry, ask them for help, or just be myself around them.

When this incident happened last month, my dad, who most of my life has been a stranger to me, ended up being the one who supported and understanding me the most. And I was deeply surprized. And grateful. Because they didn't ask me any questions. But listened. And only wanted me to feel better. It actually was harder talking to my mom, who raised me alone since I was in Grade 4, or my brother. Maybe it's because they are both Aries. They're very practical and realistic.

I ended up crying not only just because of the breakup, but because of my family problems. And this time I spilled out everything to them. From missing my brother who we used to be so close when we were kids, how everything he liked from reading fantasy books, comics, and playing games, I know I got it all from him. And from our family never being together.

My dad said they didn't know how to approach me. That I was inaccessible. I wouldn't say that my family was broken. But there were definitely barriers because we couldn't communicate.

But everything is different now. And I am so glad.

Last night my brother came to talk to me, and I shared with him what I have done in the past, about my love life, and all that stuff. I think I've come to realize this past month that I really love and miss him so much. We're 9 years apart.

And I know deep down inside my heart, I am grateful for everything that has happened the past month. Because I know it has made me happier.

So I want to say thank you to you-know-who, for having the strength to do what I could never do in a relationship, which was breaking up. Because it transformed me and my life like a flick of a switch. And I like where I'm standing right now. On my own two feet and moving forward.

Teaching English

So a school near my house asked me to teach this Korean adult conversational English. I have no idea how much the rates are for this. They're offering 400baht/hr. Does anybody know if that is OK?

I don't really need the money or anything but I guess it's something I can do as a hobby.

Waiting for the Smokes to Clear

It's not that bad after all.